Confidence is Tricky

Confidence…it’s a tricky thing. Everyone wants to have a high level of it but most of us don’t. And most times those that we perceive to have confidence, it’s just that. It’s a perception. And if you ask them, they probably have to work at it daily or don’t even feel like they possess that quality. But, as I enter the first week of working my new business (The Contemporary Connection) full time and pausing on my event planning career, my confidence level has been all over the place so the subject has really been top of mind for me.    

     In the last few years I have been doing a lot of personal development work. What I have noticed is that most times the root of my issues stems back to fear (another topic I will share on soon) and/or lack of confidence. Whenever I examine a situation and look at my past, I can pinpoint some very poignant times when my confidence was rattled and how those times just built on one another over the years to really put in a deficit when it came to my confidence level. Think of it like an ice cream sundae – with me being the ice cream. I am solid and holding it together strong and confident, then you add some hot fudge which is the first time I had my confidence rattled. That warm fudge lays on top and starts to slowly melt the ice cream away. Then layer on the caramel sauce, another event that happens to lessen my confidence level and melt my confidence away even more. On top of that goes nuts, whipped cream and a cherry, all other events playing out over time that weighed me down until I was a heavy and melted mess that was insecure with no confidence left. This feeling familiar to anyone else out there? It’s okay to admit it, we have all been there at some point whether we choose to admit it or not.

     I remember I used to subscribe to the philosophy of “fake it til you make it” and sometimes I still do. But constantly faking it really started to weigh on me and just led to other issues like feelings of imposter syndrome (the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills).  I started to feel lost and wasn’t sure who I really was anymore, never mind being confident in who I was! Why couldn’t I just own where I was at in my personal and professional life? Why was there shame? Why did I think I was supposed to be at a certain place and that it was wrong because I wasn’t? So much of this stems back to our cultural norms and society too. (Again, that’s a whole other topic for another day.) When you really start to examine it, you realize there are just so many external factors that play into it. 

     In the last year or so, I have been doing a lot of the “inner” work to help me grow in my personal and professional life. And, it gets uncomfortable many times. Like making my head hurt and stomach in complete knots kind of uncomfortable. Oh and tears, yup lots of those too! And, I am someone who doesn’t consider myself a crier but sometimes it’s good to just have the release and I have learned to give myself some space to do that when needed. Those hard and uncomfortable times may occur more than I maybe want to admit…but at least I am doing the work and not walking away. I may have to take some pauses at times but I am coming back to it. And, that’s the important thing. (And yes, I am giving myself a little pat on the back. I think we all need to give ourselves more credit in this life!)  Most journeys in life are not linear so we have to ride the waves of the highs and lows. But, some of the work I have felt that has helped me most is connecting with others on the same journey to finding or maintaining their level of self-worth and self-confidence. The more open I am to discussing my lack of confidence, the more I am seeing there are so many others out there feeling the same way, both women and men. We have all had different experiences in life that have led us to this point. But the commonality is that we are all at the same place –  fighting the daily battle to understand what brought us to this place and how we can work to grow out of it. When we can all get a little more vulnerable and start normalizing some of these conversations, we will see that we are all more alike than we want to realize and facing the same daily struggles. Life isn’t just the highlight reels we see online, that’s just about 1% of life and that’s why it’s the highlights. So, if you find your level of self-confidence and self worth are challenged or even non-existent, I encourage you to get a little more vulnerable and start connecting with others on the same journey. I think you will quickly see you are not alone and have more in common with others than you realize. And, if you need some safe spaces to do this, I am happy to share what resources and people have helped me in recent times so just reach out! But, that’s the huge first step, realization and committing to doing the work. So if you needed a sign, this is it!

Note – a special shout out to my sister and her family for this great gift, a desk plaque bearing my name and company name! It’s a beautiful daily reminder of what I am working towards.